Worthless

by Gus Bellflower

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1.
03:27
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2.
05:34
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3.
07:25
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4.
06:10
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5.
07:01
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6.
03:58
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7.
09:13
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8.
04:37
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9.
07:06
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10.
06:59
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11.
03:26
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12.
07:40
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credits

released 07 February 2015

tags

tags: acoustic atmospheric bedroom recordings indie lo-fi sadcore New Paltz

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all rights reserved

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Gus Bellflower New Paltz, New York

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Track Name: I'll Be There
I'll be there for you the way a bird nurtures its young
Emit all that I am for the hope to build you up
Instead malignity discharges and fills your lungs
If I could take it back, then I would take it back
Wish I could take it back
Track Name: Readings
It's in the cards that I destroy myself
But when drawing swords, you don't know much else
I guess they're right though, I loathe myself
And this won't change with fame nor wealth

But love, I hope it frees me
God knows I could use the help
But I can't shake that I'll fuck it up like everything else

It's in my palm that my world's my girl
But it don't show how I treat the world
Zero to sixty by the count of one
I am my father's son

And all I wanted was for my kid
To not go through the things that I did
But that life, it don't exist when you're a piece of shit
Track Name: Space
I forget to cherish you from time to time
Because I can't see what's in front of me
With bloodshot eyes, tears run dry, I'm on my knees
Life fades away till all that's left are memories

Of a time I held you close
I never dreamed of space between
But now it seems all distance brings
is fatigue, disease upon my being
Sleepless nights become routine

Arms embracing mine, kissing you all the while
Main point in life, to make you laugh, to make you smile
Scared of the world beyond my sheets, so unrelenting
Stay underneath, talk of dreams
Desire to leave, to be at ease

Cause this world it seems is orchestrated to destroy me
Constantly flinching at what could be
What I perceive, it's always nothing
I need relief, and then you leave
Adamant in your belief
That you deserve, more than me, to find some peace

The fault is in my bones
This ship, oh it sinks, all on its own
And I hope my words reach through
Forgive me...I know not what I do to you
Track Name: Questions
I watched my friends as they danced on earthen floor
The way they swayed was like they were the only two in the world
As I looked on I thought "This must be how it felt
To not be terrified of yourself."

I stared at the ground, undeserving
Of the love, the joy this sight would bring
I sat at the bar until my speech slurred
Did I say that this is the life? Or this is hell?
I'm still unsure

Why you're still here, I'll never know
Each step I take angers you more
Were you scared of being alone?
How did you fall in love?

I'm unkempt, I bleach in the sun
I suck the life from everyone
Ask for too much, don't give enough
And I shut you out when things get rough

I know I'm not not adequate
There's so much you can tolerate
There's too much on my plate
I've tried to improve my state

But I'm slowly unraveling
Regressing, please help me
Don't leave me be
Track Name: The Nature Song
The snow falls year after year
Whether or not I'm still here
Regardless of what I know
Trees will grow, trees will grow

No matter where I have been
The waves still keep crashing in
Despite all that I have built
Flowers wilt, flowers wilt

I watch the streams flow
I felt the wind blow
I've watched the sun fall
The moon that stands tall

I've watched as rats devour their young
Another life looked down upon
Can we change what's here before?
When we are gone time will move forward, forevermore

After all I have rearranged
The leaves still turn red, the seasons change
The best I can do is blend right in
As each new day begins
Track Name: Pacify
Starving for anything
Latching to everything
Something to satisfy
Keep still and pacify

From crawling to walking
In between, you'd think I'd ween
But as it seems, it's all I need
On my knees begging, please don't leave
Track Name: Not Coming Home
All that you say, it won't change a thing
I've become unphased to all the excuses you bring
So enjoy all your flings, keep your needles away
And provide better care for the pills by which I've been replaced
Cause I'm not coming home
I'm not coming home
I'm not coming home

Cause I could never
Be anywhere where you are
So I'm not coming home
For all I know, it's dead and gone

But now there's a child on a backyard swing
And he won't take the gifts I've been offering
I cannot buy his love or respect for me
And all of his tearful words are still soaked through my sleeves

"You know we're all alone
While all you do is roam.
So why won't you come home?
Things could be better.
You say you're a man, so be strong and forgive her.
But you're never around to see that she's better.
We don't know where you are."

But my stomach churns when memories conjure
And my skin, it burns from the touch of her
And if I could, would I endure
A life morose for something pure

Is this what it means to be a parent?
To give up all your joy so they can have it?
Well, I hope without me, he will still be strong
So strong...
So strong...
Track Name: Winter's Gone
A slow burning fire ignites in our arms
Instinct to survive when the cold comes to harm
Your hand in mine till winter's gone

We'll close all the blinds and lock all the doors
As long as you're mine, I'll be faithfully yours
And we'll be fine till winter's gone

Our lives played out in my head
But you've made plans in it's stead
When snow, it don't coat the trees
That's when you'll finally see

You were a moth to the flame
Now your arms have grown tired
And there's so much outside, still left to inspire
This bird has flown, now winter's gone
To find her own, now winter's gone
Track Name: Lindo
Watching you eat your meal so that you would not choke
This was the last time we spoke
Dimming the lights down in your room to match the hall
The last time I'd see you at all

Summer's are gone and there to stay when you're not around
Who can I run to now?
The years melt in front of my eyes, a masquerade
Nights don't turn to days, they just fade

There was a moment when your spirit passed through me
I felt all you felt, saw all you've seen
And now I will never be whole, all thoughts untrue
Knowing I was once filled with you

Summer's are gone and there to stay when you're not around
Who can I run to now?
The years melt in front of my eyes, a masquerade
Nights don't turn to days, they just fade

How can I be the one alive, and still feel less than you?
Maybe I am not

In my mind you still survive
I'll wait for your return
For you to come and take me home
Track Name: Like A Son
Just when I've come into my own
So far from what you tried to make
Now words from school echo through home
Where's the escape?

It's not enough
No, it's not enough
After all you've asked, I've done
Why's it so hard to treat me like a son?

Perhaps if I'd stayed in her womb
And let it turn into my tomb
Waited for disease to flow through
Your vision of me would finally come true

But it's not enough
No, it's not enough
After all you've asked, I've done
Why's it so hard to treat me like a son?

And I would still attend your wake
To watch them drink and dance away
Believe it stems from your new fate
With hopes it lifts this weight

But it's not enough
No, it's not enough
After all you've asked, I've done
Why's it so hard?
Track Name: Words
The hours flash, I don't think I've ever spent this long staring at patterns on the floor
It's fifteen past, the doctor walks in to remove the IV dripping through her pores
A fingertip upon my chin beckons me skyward
When we lock eyes, I know it's time to say goodbye, to console her

But instead I choke
Cause right now words
They feel so low
And there's no urge
To bear my soul
To speak of hope
What little's left
You'll take it all
When you go
Track Name: Morning Light
There's nothing left to do tonight
But wait by candlelight
These blinks will turn into a stare
Hoping you will appear
Just make a hair stand on end
This way I can pretend

That I'm not waiting for something
That will never return
Reassuring myself
While the wax burns
Envision you beside me
Vanishing just as I turn

We talked of finding higher ground
A dream of something more profound
Back then, when nothing rang more true
When time was all I asked of you
And since the night you went away
I've asked myself everyday

Would it be better up above?
Or to wait out this life?
Either way I'm going to fade
To your shade of white
Tossing and turning
Into morning light